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If Dating Apps Were Bars And Why They Suck

As most of us with higher brain functions endure home confinement, human interactions have dwindled like our collective confidence in the country. Therefore, “dating apps” have become one of the few outlets we can use to scratch our social itch. Unfortunately, as many people are learning, dating apps actually suck.

In some cases, it’s the app itself; in others, it’s the type of people who use them. A bar can offer the greatest ambiance possible, complete with divine drinks, and a comfortable setting but it’s all for naught if douche bags and vapid women populate it. Dating apps serve as virtual bars, and naturally, every bar bears a downside.

Tinder, The Worst College Bar Ever


By far the most used dating app out there, Tinder, most closely resembles the worst versions of a terrible college bar. First, there’s the catastrophic ratio between men and women. You can’t blame Tinder for this but the scale skews so far in the stupid chromosome’s direction (men). The four decent dudes on there can’t be heard over the cavalcade of dick pics, unwanted sexual openers, and generally deplorable behavior.


On the flip side of that coin, many of the women on Tinder sadly aren’t worth the effort it takes to swipe. And it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR LOOKS. No, from a male’s perspective many of the women don’t inspire a swipe because they appear to be delusional.


According to arduous scientific research, at least 21.3% of Tinder women advertise themselves with one of the following “slogans.” “Entertain me,” “Looking for a sugar daddy,” “Here’s my Venmo,” “Just want a tour guide,” “I’m better than you in X way, “Don’t use Tinder, follow my Instagram.” Woof. Street brawls start with more enticing openers.


In part, you can’t really blame them. Lots of guys “suicide swipe,” which means saying “yes” to every girl, whether they’re interested or not. That means females rack up hundreds of matches and naturally think, “Well this must mean I’m the shit.” That mindset rarely heralds witty banter or worthwhile conversation.



There’s also the issue of girls becoming overwhelmed by the same repetitive messages whether they are well-intentioned or the sad, usual smut. No matter how open-minded a person tries to be, eventually the inundation of messages glazes over even the most idealistic eyes. That’s even before you get the battalion of bots out there.


Bumble, The Swanky Half-Empty Piano Bar


Bumble, on the other hand, approximates the classy bar that rarely sees a full house. Unlike Tinder, women control the interaction which, quite frankly, is how it should be. We men have proven we can’t have nice things. Ironically enough, giving women the power appears to lower the number of “Just Here or free food” types.


That’s because on Bumble, women have to message first to get the ball rolling. People who expect amazing things to just happen to them can’t comprehend taking initiative. Although, that doesn’t mean all of the “DM me on IG” girls disappear.


Nevertheless, the simple innovation of putting women in charge dramatically improved the overall experience. It’s like if people were kicked out of bars for acting a fool rather than only when they vomit all over the floor.


Bumble’s biggest bugaboo goes back to the issue of a half-empty bar. It just has far fewer users than Tinder, which works as a positive and a negative. Positive: fewer f*ck-boys-and-girls. Negatives: fewer possibilities in general.


OkCupid, The International Hostel Bar


Unlike Bumble and Tinder, OkCupid allowed users to search far afield for free, even before the pandemic. That meant people from all over the world could swipe potentially thousands of miles away from their actual location. That grants users the opportunity to meet diverse and different people, which is great!


The downside, like a foreign hostel bar, comes when our diminutive attention spans must service multiple conversations with people we don’t actually know. Even interesting conversations can get lost in the shuffle. The global approach can also make swiping an exhaustive endeavor because it is a never-ending cycle of new people.


That’s why so many profiles on OkCupid read, “Send a message, can’t see likes.” Yes, they could swipe and match just like on the other apps. But swiping through the world can literally feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. Sure, you can limit your search radius but like Bumble, the user density is still rather low, unless you’re in a giant city.


Dating Still Least Painful The Old Fashioned Way


Yes, people do meet and marry after meeting on dating apps. The online dating scene simply adds another fishing line in the exhaustive endeavor that is dating. However, actually meeting people in person (what a concept!) still works best.


People actually try in person. And since 55% of communication can’t come across through text, (non-verbal) you’re 50% less likely to be misunderstood. So if we’re ever able to congregate again, don’t be afraid to physically get out there.